LISTENING YOUR WAY TO GREATNESS by Dr. Joe Rubino
What you listen for in your conversations with others determines what you
will get out of them. All too often, we listen to others in a casual or
unfocused way. As a result, we come away with little from the conversation. In
fact, we typically find ourselves listening to our own thoughts and internal
chatter instead of to the other person.
Let's examine a few ways you can get more by listening for more.
*Listening for the greatness in others.
A characteristic that powerful people possess is the ability to empower
others to greatness. This is the ability to see things in others that they do
not yet clearly see in themselves... while creating the space for them to
recognize it and rise to the challenge. It's about seeing others as great
without any need on your part that they live up to your expectations.
In contrast, we typically listen from the perspective of our opinions and
judgments. Listening this way filters out what is actually said and impacts what
we are able to hear. How we see other people-as powerful or ineffective,
intelligent or slow witted, insightful or with little to contribute -has
everything to do with what we get out of our conversations with them.
When we hold others as great, that's what our listening for them empowers
them to become. Getting the most out of others - our spouses, families, friends,
co-workers, employees etc. - is made more likely if we consider them to have the
potential to be greater than they see themselves. We call this the Pygmalion
effect. Through it, we get from others those positive qualities we expect to see
in them. As we listen to others in such a way that we champion them to be all
that they can be, we support them to see possibilities in themselves that they
did not previously see.
Listening to others routinely in this way will enable them to gain in
confidence and strength until they see themselves as powerful and capable of
producing whatever effect they desire .
The key to empowering others to their greatness is to never offer the kind of
help that disempowers them or makes them small, weak or dependent. It is about
championing people by already considering them as great. This means listening
for the possibility others are, for what is missing that if put into place would
have them step into their power. It's about listening for what others need and
want - not what you want. What you want is usually of little value when compared
with what they are ready to receive.
Take the interpretation that you have the gift to empower everyone who comes
into your life. And, likewise everyone has the same gift to contribute to you.
Interact with others with the expectation that they have come to receive a gift
from you. Your job is simply to discover what that gift is that you have to
contribute to them.
By listening for how you can contribute your gift to others, they will have
been able to contribute the greatest gift possible to you - the gift of you
becoming the person you have chosen to become on purpose.
*Listening for what others might contribute to you.
If you enter into each conversation you have with another person expecting to
hear something of value that you can utilize, you will likely come away with
that very thing. While generating this listening is easy with someone you
consider to be powerful or insightful, it will require your returning yourself
to your commitment to listen to the person with a positive expectation when his
or her speaking does not reflect this power. Generating a listening for value
can be especially rewarding when you find yourself in a conversation with a
person you would ordinarily dismiss as someone who has little to contribute to
you. You will be amazed at the insights you can come away with from most any
conversation when you listen with the intent of learning something new.
For example if you typically listen to others in an impatient way- hurry up
and get to the point- you will need to remind yourself of your commitment to
stay present in a conversation with a slow and deliberate speaker. Remember,
someone's style of speaking may have little to do with what you can garner from
your conversation with him or her.
*Listening for what is important to others and for what they are committed
to.
By putting yourself in the other person's world and developing an
appreciation for their values and concerns, it is much easier to gain an
understanding as to why they think, speak and act the way they do. What might
have otherwise led to a confrontation or lack of affinity with the other person
might instead produce an empathy that would allow for a conversation to explore
common ground. When you can hear the commitments of others, you can act out of
the compassion that comes with having an interest in what it's like for them to
be who they are.
*Listening with something at stake
What we get from a conversation with another person is often a function of
what we have at stake in the conversation. To get a better sense about this,
contrast how you typically listen to the pre-flight safety instructions given by
the flight attendant before your flight takes off. If you are like the rest of
us, you are only half listening or paying attention to what is being said. You
are probably either reading something else or distracted in some way, figuring
that the chances of the plane crashing are slim and none. And besides, you've
heard it all so many times before.
How would this compare with a situation where half way through your flight,
the attendant announces that the engines have failed and the plane IS going
down? With your life at stake, you are likely to listen to the instructions in
this case like you have never listened before.
Your listening is directly related to what you are listening for.
In order to gain the maximum amount from every conversation you have, try
listening from the point of view that everyone has something to share with you
that is of great value. And, your intent is to get it regardless of who the
person is, how powerful you consider him to be and no matter what his style of
speaking.
Listening for value in EVERY conversation will provide you with an unending
succession of insights that you would not get from listening with less at stake.
*Listening for the good intentions of others
Another valuable listening to adopt might be to listen from the perspective
that everyone operates from what they consider to be good intentions. I am NOT
saying that this is necessarily true. And, it is an empowering interpretation
that could support you in your relationships with others. This can be
particularly valuable when the evidence appears to strongly suggest the
contrary. When you step into another person's world and attempt to see things as
they do, it is possible to imagine that they have acted from what they perceived
to be good intentions. Listening to others in this way allows for you to come up
with an interpretation that supports the possibility of your relationship with
the person. This perspective may support you at times and perhaps not at other
times. It is entirely up to you to use as just another tool in your toolbox to
maximize your effectiveness with others.
Listening For The Greatness In Others
1) For the next 30 days, practice any or all of the following listenings: to
empower others to realize their greatness to hear how they might contribute
something of value to you to appreciate their commitments and concerns and what
it's like to be them with something significant at stake (perhaps your
relationship with the other person) to hear the good intentions of the other
person
2) Note in your journal any insights or possibilities that were created as a
result of listening to others in these ways.
